I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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