I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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