Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
