so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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