we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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