if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
