I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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