i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
