did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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