Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Randomize
