How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
