There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
