I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
