I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They took my balls.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
