I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
