This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
