my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
