Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
