You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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