apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
