Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
