i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
