Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
