Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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