I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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