Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize