you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
