I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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