i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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