Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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