Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
