i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
