Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
