counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
