Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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