omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
