All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Randomize
