I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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