Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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