I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
