You just made me feel so damn special
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
