i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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