you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
