I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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