Jerry, you need to find god
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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