Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
