Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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