i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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