I wish my penis had an off switch
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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