when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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