Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
