I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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