I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
