My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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