You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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