Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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