I'm gonna have a badass scar
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
