The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
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I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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