you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
