Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
